Code Blue
by Unconsciousroute
Summary: The annual physical check up brings out a rather unexpected side of the Order's resident samurai and puts him in situations in which he must plot. Cleverly. Rated for minor coarse language. One-shot.


Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man. I don't own it.

This is rated Teen for Kanda's language just because I'm a stickler for these kinds of things. Content-wise, it's very safe.

Was it just him, or was the sun shining even more annoyingly brightly this morning? An irritated Kanda threw the bed covers off of himself and got off the bed to change into his uniform, expertly tripping on Mugen in the process.

"Urgh!" growled the disgruntled samurai. Today was going to be a horrible day. As if to confirm Kanda's thoughts, a glance up at the calendar (that Lavi insisted Kanda keep in his otherwise bare room) told him that today was the most dreaded day of the year at the Black Order.

"No… Oh dear God, no…" His eyes widened in disbelief at the words he saw written on his calendar, and the poor boy leapt at the thing, flipping the pages back and forth as if to make sure it was flipped to the right day. Which, of course, it was.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This certainly was going to be an awful day. But he had to train, and he had to eat. He definitely couldn't let the others know that he was bothered by the event that was to take place today. And so, Kanda bravely stepped out of his room and went to the training room as per usual. After a rigorous hour of training, he went into the Black Order dining hall and ordered his usual cup of tea, but no soba, strangely enough.

And then… it began.

"Yuuuuu-chan!!! Good morning, Yuu-chan!" exclaimed a very perky Lavi, running through the dining hall to plop himself down into the seat across from Kanda.

"Don't call me that!" snapped Kanda in reply.

"Morning, Lavi! Morning, Kanda", greeted Allen as he took a seat at the table while balancing his overflowing tray of food.

"Morning, Moyashi-chan!" replied Lavi, while Kanda promptly ignored Allen and continued sipping his tea. "Ne, Allen! Are you ready for today?"

"Ready? Um. I guess so. There isn't really anything that you can prepare for today, anyway, right?"

"Hm. Yeah, that's true. I've been totally watching my diet for the past month or so though. I am so not going to have Komui tell me that I'm overdoing my carbs or something ridiculous like that."

Allen's eyes widened at Lavi's words. "O-overdoing? Really? Do you think I'm overdoing it? Oh gosh… Maybe I should skip the pasta for today…"

"Che. It's just a stupid physical check-up. I don't see why you two idiots are making such a big deal out of it", Kanda cut in.

Lavi cracked a grin worthy of a Cheshire cat at Kanda's seemingly brave words. "Is that so, Yuu-chan? Just a 'stupid physical check-up'? Then how come you've only ordered tea today?"

Kanda froze. "Sh-shut up, baka usagi! I'll have whatever I want for breakfast."

"Riiight. Whatever you say, Yuu-chan. But from what I can see, you seem to be… Oh, I don't know… SCARED?"

In a flash, the tip of Mugen was pointed at Lavi's throat and poor Allen had to pull himself away from his breakfast to get up and try to intervene. "Guys, guys! Come on, don't fight!"

"You stay out of this, beansprout!" Kanda growled. "I am NOT scared of a stupid check-up, baka usagi! And if you want to have an actual body to do this check-up with, I would advise you not to go around spouting nonsense like that." And with a huff, the samurai slid Mugen back into its sheath and stalked out of the dining hall.

"He is SO scared", Lavi whispered to Allen, still slightly out of breath from his brush with death so early in the morning.

Outside the dining hall, Kanda mentally beat himself up. "Was I really that obvious?! Curse that stupid redhead! Leave it to a bookman to notice stupid details like that." Even still, Kanda had to find a way to calm himself down. He returned to his room and sat on his bed, trying to convince himself that the check-up would not be that bad. After all, he was the picture of perfection when it came to health. He was fit, he ate a healthy diet of Japanese soba and vegetable tempura and he had a good immune system (or at least his ability to heal made it seem that way). It was just THAT that he dreaded.

A knock at the door made the samurai jump. Thank goodness the door was closed. Kanda wouldn't be able to live it down if it were ever revealed to the outside world that he was not as macho as everyone thought he was. "Che. What do you want?"

"Umm… Brother wants everyone to gather in his office so that we can begin the physical exam", Linali voice came from behind the door.

"Fine", came the emotionless response. Linali shrugged and went off to notify the other members of the Order. Meanwhile, inside the Japanese exorcist's room, the young man who gave the emotionless response was anything BUT emotionless. In fact, he was a wreck. All he could do was think about his impending doom while pacing in his bedroom, massaging his temples.

"Holy crap. This is so stupid! Why do we even have these things? Can't we just go by survival of the fittest or something like that?! I'm still alive from those missions and therefore I'm fit! WHY do they need to take my friggin—"

"Kanda! Are you still in your room? Brother wants to start now!"

"ARGH!" Kanda's room door flew open with a bang and he stomped past a stunned Linali, into the hallway in a fury, still muttering obscenities under his breath.

A few minutes later, he reached Komui's office and promptly barged into the room with the ever-present scowl on his face. The samurai, who normally made sound decisions, was so overcome with anxiety about the check up that he made the mistake of standing next to Lavi, who was only too thrilled to poke more fun at his companion. Obviously, Lavi had either forgotten about his near-death experience earlier that morning, or he had become desensitized to these dangerous encounters with Kanda.

Lavi instantly shot his arm around Kanda's shoulders. "Ne, Yuu-chan, you're not still scared are you? It's perfectly fine, you know. They just want t—"

"Shut. Up. Baka. Usagi." Kanda shook Lavi's arm off of him and stood by himself in the corner of the room.

"He sure is testy today, eh Allen?" Lavi whispered to the white-haired boy who could only chuckle while glancing nervously at Kanda.

"Alright everyone, thanks for coming in on time! As you know, we're here for the annual physical exam. We'll call you one by one, to come into Room A to take height and weight measurements as well as blood pressure readings. Then, kindly return to this room and wait for your name to be called for the blood test, which will happen in Room B", Komui announced cheerily and then suddenly dropped his smile in favour of the dangerous look of a psychotic man. "ANYONE, and I repeat, ANYONE who is caught even looking at the door when my beloved Linali is doing her check up will have the honour of testing out my newest drill!"

The exorcists gulped nervously and stared at the floor immediately when Linali's name was called first.

As more names were called out, the exorcists began to chat amongst themselves. Except for Kanda. He was still standing in the corner of the room, staring out the window, trying to meditate, plan tomorrow's training schedule, doing just about anything to get his mind off of THAT dreaded thing.

"Kanda, Yuu!" a voice called out. The stoic swordsman swiftly walked past the waiting exorcists and ignored Lavi's idiotic grin and thumbs up.

All went well. He took off his boots and stepped onto the scale to have his weight taken. Then, his height was measured. He rolled up his sleeves to allow Komui to wrap the blood pressure band around his arm. His systolic and diastolic readings were recorded, and he was told to wait in the waiting room for his name to be called out again, this time for a blood test.

He gave Komui his infamous "Che" and walked out of the room, only to be instantly attacked by Lavi.

"There! See, Yuu-chan? Nothing to worry about, right? Haha, and you were so nervous this morning, too!"

"Baka usagi. If you mention this even one more time, I will personally rip your innards out through your mouth and shove it back up your ass. Got it?!"

The redhead grinned nervously and nodded. "Got it!"

"Hmph." Kanda returned to his corner in the room. He needed to think. His reputation, his sanity, his entire being depended on his ability to think right now. How could he get out of this? How?!

Finally, Reever called Kanda's name for a blood test.

Kanda's face paled. And then, he remembered that he was supposed to be a strong, stoic, never-faltering samurai, and so he regained his composure. He also blurted out a rather stupid sounding "Make Lavi go first."

The room went silent. And then, Reever looked at Lavi. And Lavi looked at Reever. Then Lavi looked at Kanda, and Kanda gave him a Look. Remembering their conversation earlier, Lavi, who rather enjoyed having his innards inside his body, got up quickly to get his blood test done.

The rest of the afternoon went on like that.

"Kanda, Yuu."

"Make him go first." "Make her go first" It didn't really matter. Everyone had witnessed the look of utmost horror on Lavi's face when he was told to go first and didn't need much convincing from Kanda to bolt upright and get their blood test done when the samurai requested it.

Finally, the room was empty save for the lone swordsman in the corner. His heart was pounding at an insane tempo. His mind went blank. For he knew…

"Kanda, Yuu." It was his turn.

Slowly, he forced himself to move. He was so nervous that his walking seemed almost mechanical, with his slow, uneven steps towards the door.

"Now, please have a seat and roll up your sleeves."

Stall! He had to stall! Unfortunately, the samurai was not as bright as he was skilled with the sword. After all, this was the man who washed his hair with soap.

"Which sleeve?" He hoped that question came out sounding more laced with attitude than just plain idiotic.

"Both, please."

"Well, that's just stupid. B-Because… I write and eat and fight with my right hand mostly. So shouldn't I only roll up my left sleeve? And isn't the heart on the left side? So shouldn't it be easier to get the blood from the left? You doctors should really think about these things."

"Both sleeves, please. I need to see which arm has the clearer veins. It'll be easier to get the blood that way."

"Che." Oh shit. He was shaking. His knees were shaking, for crying out loud! He rolled his sleeves up slowly.

"Good. Now hold your arms out straight."

Kanda purposely held them out straight with the inside of his arms facing downwards. The doctor merely grabbed him by the wrists and turned them over.

"Hmm… it looks like they're clear on both. I guess we'll take it from the left since you're right-handed, eh?"

"Che. Whatever." Kanda cringed as the doctor began rubbing his arm with alcohol. His damn knees wouldn't stop shaking!

"Hold your hand in a fist and release when I tell you so", said the doctor, as he connected the tubed needle to the vial.

"Oh God. Oh dear, dear God", Kanda screamed in his mind. He looked away. But even then, he squeezed his eyes closed.

"Deep breath!" And in the needle went!

After a few seconds, Kanda opened his eyes and asked, "Are you done yet?"

"Not even close. We've still got 3 more vials to go."

"THREE?! Why the HELL do you need so much of my blood?! Do I look like I freakin' blood bank to you?!"

"No. No, you do not. Now please relax. You're on your second vial now."

He grimaced as he felt the doctor switching the vials. Then, Kanda began to tune out as he tried to think about things other than the offending needle currently stuck in him, sucking the liquid of life out of him. Apparently, he had succeeded in tuning out because as he heard the Doctor say:

" … -- done", Kanda immediately looked down at his arm, only to see the needle still stuck inside him with a stream of blood shooting into a vial. For a moment, he thought he was going to die. The doctor had said "Almost done" and not "Done".

After another minute or so, the doctor finally pulled the needle out of him and stuck a band-aid on Kanda. "There you go, sir. That wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Shut the hell up", was the enthusiastic reply the doctor received.

Kanda practically dashed out of the room. Blood tests… The idea of them had always horrified him. He had always been able to wheedle his way out of having one done for the past few years. But there was no getting out of it this year because of his age. At eighteen years of age, Kanda Yuu had just had his very first blood test.

End.

First of all, I want to apologize to all you people who are ready to POUNCE on me for turning Kanda into such a wuss! Kanda is my favourite character and I love him dearly for his bad-ass character. Unfortunately, bad-ass characters are the perfect target for crack-fics.

I mean, think about it. If Allen were scared of a blood test, it would be kind of cute. Whatever. If Lavi were scared, it would give you a slight chuckle. Nothing big. You could probably imagine it. But if it was bad-ass-I'm-not-scared-of-anything-Kanda?! Yeah, you get the picture.

And yes. Yes, it WAS based on my experience at the doctor's. And yes, that last paragraph was all me, too. Eighteen years old. First blood test. Right ONNN! Haha!

Please review and let me know what you thought. Criticism is welcome if it is constructive.


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